I feel so lost right now! I don't know what to think or feel. I don't know what direction my life is going. I feel like the rug has just been pulled out from under me, and I'm just left here flat on my butt. I think it's the most awful feeling in the world to really feel like God has told me to do something, only to later discover I must have missed it completely. Then to realize my family has based their decisions on what I felt. I don't know what to do right now. I feel so trapped. So angry. So betrayed. I'm devastated, truly devastated. Never, never again will I make this mistake.
What now?! What in the heck am I supposed to do now?! I absolutely despise feeling like this! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, "I hate you!!! I hate you all!!!", but I can't do that. I'm just so angry right now. Angry doesn't even begin to describe the emotions raging through me right now. And what?! Were you going to even let me know? When?! UGH!!! I QUIT!!!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Random thoughts
It's pretty amazing to me how quickly life changes. One minute I was moving to Nashville with a calling, and it seems like the next minute I've bought a house, got married, and now I'm a Mommy. Wow! Time sure flies fast it seems like these days. I wonder what the secret is to slowing down and just enjoying the moment? I feel like most of my life is centered around whatever comes next and trying to prepare for it, instead of just enjoying the moment I'm living in. I wish I could figure out how to completely do this for a time. Just really focus on every detail of a minute. What am I touching? What am I looking at? What are the sounds I hear around me? Are there any smells in the air? Am I eating something? What does it really taste like? What am I trying to communicate to those around me? If I subconsciously asked myself those questions multiple times a day, I just wonder how often I would connect more with my husband, my daughter, my patients at work, and just connect more to life in general.
Ever stood up for something you knew was right, yet you felt horrible about doing it? Why is that? It seems to me like it should be easy to do what's right simply because it's the right thing to do, but for some reason unbeknownst to me, it just isn't like that! Any time I've really had to stand up for what I believed in, it has taken way more than I ever thought I had in me. It's so hard to stand up, when that stand is sometimes against those you know and love. I just have to keep in mind, in reality, it's not about me. When I take a stand for something I truly believe in, I'm not taking the stand for me, I'm taking it for the cause I believe in, and just have to know that God put me in that particular situation at that distinct moment in time because He knew He could use me to be a voice for those who can't speak for themselves. I feel so incredibly honored, yet humbled by the fact that God trusts me enough to stand. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but I won't back down. "If God is for me, tell me who can be against me."
Ever stood up for something you knew was right, yet you felt horrible about doing it? Why is that? It seems to me like it should be easy to do what's right simply because it's the right thing to do, but for some reason unbeknownst to me, it just isn't like that! Any time I've really had to stand up for what I believed in, it has taken way more than I ever thought I had in me. It's so hard to stand up, when that stand is sometimes against those you know and love. I just have to keep in mind, in reality, it's not about me. When I take a stand for something I truly believe in, I'm not taking the stand for me, I'm taking it for the cause I believe in, and just have to know that God put me in that particular situation at that distinct moment in time because He knew He could use me to be a voice for those who can't speak for themselves. I feel so incredibly honored, yet humbled by the fact that God trusts me enough to stand. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but I won't back down. "If God is for me, tell me who can be against me."
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Living Exposed!
Living exposed. What does that really mean? When I think of the word "exposed", it makes me feel so open, vulnerable, and naked in front of everyone. What an uncomfortable feeling! To lay it all out, to be "exposed" before the world. Why does it seem more scary to be exposed before the world than to be exposed before God? When I think of really being vulnerable to people, my heart immediately begins to feel like it's going to pound out of my chest. Instantly my mind is bombarded with a million questions and insecurities. What if they knew what I'd done? What if they could see the real me? Then, those questions are quickly followed by thoughts such as, "There is no way anyone would love me if they knew the real me." or "If I could just be more... then I could do more for God and people would accept me." Even as I am writing this, I am painfully aware of how paralyzing these questions and thoughts can seem.
If you allow yourself to become identified by these things then you begin to overcompensate in other areas of your life to mask the underlying insecurities. Some may become perfectionists, terrified of failure because you secretly believe people only love you because of what you do for them. You honestly believe that if you didn't have something to offer the other person in the relationship, then you would be of no worth to them. While I can definately identify with this group, where there is one extreme, there is always another close by.
With this extreme comes those people who never seem to have an original idea of their own. In reality these people are so afraid of failure that they find it easier to not even try. In their minds, it is easier to never try at all, than to try something and fail. These people live miserable lives because they have big visions and dreams, yet in the end have little to show for it because they were too scared to try.
Out of these two groups we have two more extremes. You have the co-dependent, who feels so insecure in their own skin that they try to live in someone else's. They don't understand the concept of healthy boundaries and cling more to the thoughts and ideas of a person, than fine tuning their ear to the guidance and direction of the Holy Spirit. These people tend to both manipulate and control, as well as, fall prey to other controllers and manipulators. They are the human leach and tend to suck the life out of those they attach themselves to.
The extreme opposite of a co-dependent person is the "social stop sign". These people may appear to always have people around them and everyone seems to just love them. The problem is, when we take a closer look, they don't have any deep, intimate relationships. I call them the "social stop signs" because they are friendly to everyone, but the minute anyone tries to scratch below the surface, these people get scared and run, or they will sabotage their own relationships. These are incredibly lonely people and have the extreme life philosophy, "I don't need anyone. I can take care of myself. God and I, we got this all under control."
The problem with extremes is that God never designed us to live at extremes, but it is His devine will that we live our lives in balance. Should we be ruled by the fear of failure or rejection, thus making us feel the need to either be a perfectionist or complacent? Absolutely not! The balance would be always striving to do our best because everything we do, we are doing as unto the Lord. The key is where our focus lies. In the same way, should we give our hearts freely to anyone that comes along? No, nor do we reject everyone that comes along. We must pray, use wisdom and discernment, and trust people that God specifically brings into our lives. These people should be people that in all things lead us back to The Answer, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
If you allow yourself to become identified by these things then you begin to overcompensate in other areas of your life to mask the underlying insecurities. Some may become perfectionists, terrified of failure because you secretly believe people only love you because of what you do for them. You honestly believe that if you didn't have something to offer the other person in the relationship, then you would be of no worth to them. While I can definately identify with this group, where there is one extreme, there is always another close by.
With this extreme comes those people who never seem to have an original idea of their own. In reality these people are so afraid of failure that they find it easier to not even try. In their minds, it is easier to never try at all, than to try something and fail. These people live miserable lives because they have big visions and dreams, yet in the end have little to show for it because they were too scared to try.
Out of these two groups we have two more extremes. You have the co-dependent, who feels so insecure in their own skin that they try to live in someone else's. They don't understand the concept of healthy boundaries and cling more to the thoughts and ideas of a person, than fine tuning their ear to the guidance and direction of the Holy Spirit. These people tend to both manipulate and control, as well as, fall prey to other controllers and manipulators. They are the human leach and tend to suck the life out of those they attach themselves to.
The extreme opposite of a co-dependent person is the "social stop sign". These people may appear to always have people around them and everyone seems to just love them. The problem is, when we take a closer look, they don't have any deep, intimate relationships. I call them the "social stop signs" because they are friendly to everyone, but the minute anyone tries to scratch below the surface, these people get scared and run, or they will sabotage their own relationships. These are incredibly lonely people and have the extreme life philosophy, "I don't need anyone. I can take care of myself. God and I, we got this all under control."
The problem with extremes is that God never designed us to live at extremes, but it is His devine will that we live our lives in balance. Should we be ruled by the fear of failure or rejection, thus making us feel the need to either be a perfectionist or complacent? Absolutely not! The balance would be always striving to do our best because everything we do, we are doing as unto the Lord. The key is where our focus lies. In the same way, should we give our hearts freely to anyone that comes along? No, nor do we reject everyone that comes along. We must pray, use wisdom and discernment, and trust people that God specifically brings into our lives. These people should be people that in all things lead us back to The Answer, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
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